It's Going to get Real....

I sit here and read day after day the different struggles my friends go through. Friends I have known and loved for years and I feel I am not being honest with them or myself if I don't say something. I envy those of you that stand out and admit your struggles. I want you to know I am not just saying it when I state I know what you are going through. Just because I am the silent sufferer does not mean I don't understand.

It's been two years......two years since I lost our first baby. Why doesn't it get any easier? Can anyone answer that? There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it and every month when I get that dreadful visitor it's as if it is happening all over again. I flash back to the day I was stupid enough to go to the ultra sound by myself and hear what I had already been told the day before and somewhere deep down knew.

That is where it has stayed though....deep down. I am a silent sufferer not for myself but because I can see what it does to the ones I love when I show them even a fraction of what I feel everyday. I won't do that to them. I can say it though, I'm bitter. The one problem is there is no one to be mad at. I still believe in the Gospel, I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know he is with me everyday and I know that because I am filled with the spirit the most when I struggle to hold it together. Church though.....church is my own personal hell, but not for the reasons you think. I love the spirit that I feel there and we have an amazing ward but 5 nursies of new babies is more than I can handle at times. If they didn't just have a baby they are pregnant, something that I am not sure will ever happen for me again. Don't get me wrong girls......I couldn't be more thrilled for you. I would never want someone to think that their happiest moment adds to my pain because that is not the case at least not intentionally.

So there you go...more than I am sure any of you thought possible and if you are still reading...I'm sorry you caught me in a moment of weakness. This is the first time I have ever written anything down about what happened two years ago yet the details are all embedded forever with me. I pray 2009 will hold more hope.

Happy Birthday Babe!

I know we are suppose to be celebrating Martin Luther King today but come on who is more important here.....JASON!! He turned the big 2-7 today and for the next three months I get to rub it in that he is 4 years older than me. We do have to give a shout out to Martin for making it possible that Jason get's the day off today. We enjoyed a late morning breakfast at ihop and then we were off to see Yes Man this afternoon which we thought was pretty funny. (Warning: that show has two parts that could have definitely been left out!!) Tonight we have dinner with my side of the family and Jason will get to open his presents. Until then I just want to let Jace know how much I love him and here are a few reasons why.........

He has a sense of humor that not a lot of people get to see. I know all of you think he is a pretty quiet guy but trust me he is the biggest crack up. Quick example anything that comes in pairs whether it be two horses on the side of the road or matching vehicles side by side Jason cannot refrain from calling them "friends" he will always say, "hey look hun...they're friends." And it's not in the way you or I would say it for some reason the word "friends" takes on a nasally sound. Don't as me why but it's hilarious.

This picture alone makes me cry....the way he is with my nephew Talan gives me hope that we might have that one day. I know he will be the most amazing father.

He's my best friend, the one person I can talk to regardless of how I feel and he knows just what to say to make everything ok. I can't say much more other than he's hot and he's all mine!!

~Happy Birthday Babe~