I sit here and read day after day the different struggles my friends go through. Friends I have known and loved for years and I feel I am not being honest with them or myself if I don't say something. I envy those of you that stand out and admit your struggles. I want you to know I am not just saying it when I state I know what you are going through. Just because I am the silent sufferer does not mean I don't understand.
It's been two years......two years since I lost our first baby. Why doesn't it get any easier? Can anyone answer that? There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about it and every month when I get that dreadful visitor it's as if it is happening all over again. I flash back to the day I was stupid enough to go to the ultra sound by myself and hear what I had already been told the day before and somewhere deep down knew.
That is where it has stayed though....deep down. I am a silent sufferer not for myself but because I can see what it does to the ones I love when I show them even a fraction of what I feel everyday. I won't do that to them. I can say it though, I'm bitter. The one problem is there is no one to be mad at. I still believe in the Gospel, I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know he is with me everyday and I know that because I am filled with the spirit the most when I struggle to hold it together. Church though.....church is my own personal hell, but not for the reasons you think. I love the spirit that I feel there and we have an amazing ward but 5 nursies of new babies is more than I can handle at times. If they didn't just have a baby they are pregnant, something that I am not sure will ever happen for me again. Don't get me wrong girls......I couldn't be more thrilled for you. I would never want someone to think that their happiest moment adds to my pain because that is not the case at least not intentionally.
So there you go...more than I am sure any of you thought possible and if you are still reading...I'm sorry you caught me in a moment of weakness. This is the first time I have ever written anything down about what happened two years ago yet the details are all embedded forever with me. I pray 2009 will hold more hope.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
It's Going to get Real....
Posted by Julie at 9:28 PM
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11 comments:
Dont' give up hope yet girlie! I fully believe you guys will have children. We all have different trials, and for some reason, this one is yours at the moment, but the Lord knows you and he knows your pains exactly! Just remember, even though we don't understand it all, & even though its immensly hard, there is a reason for all that happens to us.
Thank you for sharing that Jewels! I hope this doesn't come off weird, but I'm so proud of you!Writting that alone, has got to have made you feel a teeny bit better. And still, I'm so sorry Julie!
I hope this doesn't discourage you, but only inspires you to never give up hope! Some friends of ours whom I use to work with & ended up being in our ward later, had been married for over 7 yrs w/ no children, even trying every medical preceedur the could to have a baby. And finally it happened for them, but not w/out much heartache. They turned to adoption, the 1st birth mother, on the day she delivered, changed her mind, while they were at the hospital, and they went home empty handed w/ no baby to bring into their new nursery. That same year, they did still adopt an adorable baby girl AND found out she was pregnant!!! Her invetro had worked, and when all was said & done they now have 2 beautiful daughters only 7 mos. apart!
Their prayers were answered & yours will be too, someway, somehow.
Love ya girlie! Hang tight to what you know!
I can't tell you how much I can relate with your situation. I have been trying to get pregnant now for four years! I can't handle church very well...and now just got called to Nursery...figures. It is the most painful thing to go through that no one can understand unless they have dealt with that pain. I have felt like a failure month after month. I feel no hope for it happening. We will have to get together sometime and cry. The pain is real and it hurts so bad. I will pray for you. Hopefully we can both find peace no matter the outcome. You are amazing for talking about your struggles! Just know that you are not alone.
It's good to be open. It allows people to comfort and support you. I notice when I bottle things up I explode. Also, it's good to know that others go through the same things you feel. Thank you for sharing. I can guarantee you are not the only one who feels those same emotions. I hope 2009 does hold great things for your family. Don't give up hope! Crazier things have happened. :)
and yes, I am your secret blog stalker ;)
Our sweet Julie, I am so proud of you for laying it all out there. You are soooo strong! I know throughout my trials that I couldnt have made it without Heavenly Father. I would be lost without Him. He has shown me love I never would of dreamed of feeling. He has carried me through many storms. Always stay very close to Him. He loves you very much. WE LOVE YOU ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON AND BACK!!
Julie, I'm so glad you shared this. You brought tears to my eyes as I read this. I can't say I know how you feel, I can only imagine. We've never tried for a child so I can imagine how it must feel to lose one you care so much about.
I'll remember you in our prayers and yes, I think 2009 will be a GREAT year!`
Oh Julie! I am balling. I wish I would of read this sooner... I've been thinking a lot about you lately. It has been too long since we've gotten together. All I can say is have faith and have patience. It is the hardest things to do. You will be a mother! You will be an amazing mother just like you are amazing at everything else! There are so many options. Heavenly Father will show you the way if you have faith and patience. It might not come right when you want it to or how you wanted it to come. I understand your loss. It is a horrific thing to go through. What I've learned though is that it just wasn't the right time, that Heavenly Father is the one in charge not me.
Please remember this: Being a mom is so incredibly hard... and joyful. The work is endless. 24 hours a day, everyday for the rest of your life. I don't stop worrying about them for one moment. Please enjoy to the fullest your time with just you and your husband. That time is priceless and irreplaceable.
I love you so much Julie! You've always been a wonderful friend to me. I'm here for you. Call me anytime.
I read this last week and didn't think there was anything I could or shouldn't say. I didn't understand what you were going through and didn't know how to comfort you. Then, we went to our first dr's appointment on Thursday of last week. I was 10 weeks and a day along and we were sooo excited to do the ultrasound and hear that little heartbeat. Much to our dismay, there wasn't one. The baby was the size it should have been at about 6 weeks along, indicating about the time that it died. It seems that there are suddenly more pregnant women in Arizona than I ever was aware of! I'm so sorry for your guys that it's gone on this long! We are crossing our fingers that by this time next year we'll at least be pregnant! But we've really come to terms with the fact that Heavenly Father has a specific time for us. We really felt that it was now, but there are definitely things we can do to become more prepared for another addition to our family, especially financially. And I know it's probably gotten past that point for you guys, but He DOES have a time for you guys and when that time comes, you're going to be GREAT parents. We love you guys! There may not be much we can do for you since we're not as experienced in the area, but if you ever want to wallow in self pity, haha I'm definitely the person to call! I'll be over with ice cream and Kleenex. :) Love you guys!
Way to go, Julie! I'm so proud of you! You need to do this more often! I LOVE YOU!!!
Julie, Well this post is from a long while ago, but I just finally saw it. I know that NOTHING makes it easier...it doesnt' matter what people say to you or how many people have been through it, it doesn't help the pain. I don't know the details of what you've been through. It sound painful and I'm so sorry! I had a miscarriage and tried for two years to get pregnant. It was one of the most challenging trials of my life, so I know at least a teeny bit of what you are going through (like I said, not that it makes it easier). My prayers will be with you and know that someday, all the waiting will have been worth it. You will be a great mother!!! Thanks for writing this, I really think it helps to get it out. Nobody needs to suffer in silence!! XOXOXO
Hi, it's Chelsee Worsley, I happened upon your blog today. I had some thoughts about this post but they were too lengthy to post here. So, I sent an email to your hotmail account. (Ben had the address). I hope that is a current account. :)
Very nice post.
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